Year 31 is a series of 12 short dance films highlighting the vulnerable and personal examination of the interplay between hair, identity and self worth. The series follows a personal story about hair loss and the shame and loneliness created from not living up to our culture's idea of beauty. It is one woman’s experience, but the guilt and isolation felt is something understood globally.

November

Identity

I’ve become much more attuned to how easily influenced we are as human beings since watching my niece grow up. Watching her understand things for the first time, form opinions, have ideas. It’s been wild to see her develop.  I’ve witnessed how certain things influence her and her idea of what it means to be a female and have realized even more so how all of these same things have influenced myself and other women.

I mean, I’ve never met a Princess dealing with hairloss. Let alone, anything less than perfect, flowy, straight-with-just-the-right-amount-of-curl kind of hair.

Fast forward a few years and not much has changed. Girls learn early on that boys like it when you have long hair for they too have been shown that that is what makes a female attractive. And so girls continue to learn the power of hair.

It just continues to be reiterated in adulthood. This interplay between hair and identity and self worth. So I can’t help but feel completely lost now that I find myself struggling with it all. Suddenly, at 30 something years old, I find myself uncertain about my own identity and worth. I wish I could stand here and say I’m so self-assured that it doesn’t affect me, but it does.  I suddenly find myself questioning whatever identity I’ve formed up to now and spend my days hoping others won’t notice.

December

Suppression

I can’t say I remember the exact moment when I realized I was losing my hair. In reality, it was probably something I should’ve noticed earlier than I did. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I had convinced myself it would never get worse. Until I woke up one day and realized it was worse. And because of everything I have learned, whether through television, advertising, or social media my initial gut reaction was pure embarrassment

em·bar·rass·ment

/əmˈberəsmənt/

noun

a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

Self-conscious because I have been told healthy, beautiful hair is what makes you worthwhile and loved. Shame because I believed it would be what people would talk about behind my back. Awkwardness because I thought that was all people would notice when they came in any sort of contact with me. 

Everything I’ve been taught told me I needed to conceal it.* Find ways to hide the fact that my hair was thinning and never openly talk about it. And so I did just that. I would make a 360 check of my head to make sure there weren’t any visibly bald spots before leaving the house every morning. And then cry to myself about it at night. I hated it when anyone would want to touch my hair. Even with my boyfriend at the time, I would brush his hand away and avoid the conversation. 

It’s the days where I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and instantly wish I hadn’t, when I think about how disgusted I am. And then how disgusted others will be when they notice. When I just want to sit and cry. BUT hiding is exhausting. And the more I attempted to hide it, the more ashamed I felt myself becoming.

And so I told myself I had to learn to be okay with it; with letting others know. I realized, the only way I could gain back my confidence and learn to love myself through it, was to be honest and open about it. And to not let it consume me. 

And so I started on my process of acknowledging it. Of being okay with it. Of saying, fuck it.

*In saying all of this, though, I don’t want to negate my upbringing. I am constantly appreciative of the fact that I was not raised in a household where any sort of pressure was put on appearance. I was never told I have to look or be a certain way in order to get the attention of boys. Fuck. I was never even taught about makeup let alone how to apply it. But even in this upbringing I acquired ideas and beliefs of what is beautiful and what is not from simply living in this world we all do. 

January

Sympathy

As I’ve mentioned, Hair = Identity. And when it’s fucked with, even just a little, it makes said identity shaky. 

Since dealing with hairloss, I’ve (maybe subconsciously) paid more attention to how other women respond to their own hair. And for this section, I ask you to go on that journey with me. Because, honestly, the lack of understanding from other women who don’t suffer from hair loss has been one of the most challenging aspects for me. 

I ask you to think about the time you got your hair cut shorter than expected and tears where brought to your face. I ask you to think about the time you felt yourself having a “bad hair day” so you proceed to throw it up in a (still very cute) bun. Or think about how right before going out or taking a photo you make sure to put your hair down and give it a little touch up. Or even think about how many times in a day you touch and/or mess with your own hair. For this is when you feel most beautiful. This is when you feel like you actually don’t need to throw on that extra makeup, because the hair is all the confidence you need. 

I ask you to think about these things if and when someone dealing with hairloss chooses to discuss it with you. More times than not I have felt a general lack of understanding. It has felt like the severity and the impact seems minimal to those I’ve shared with but I promise, if they were the ones going through it, they would feel completely different. 

Or maybe it’s my own self-consciousness that is making me feel like I need some sort of validation. To affirm that I am not the only woman who would be affected this much by hairloss. Maybe I am searching/needing something more than sympathy. Something I can’t actually receive from another person and therefore shouldn’t ask you to respond any differently than how you best know how. 

February

Fixation

It’s almost humorous how much I pay attention to hair these days. You know how you almost subconsciously pay attention to things that are a part of your lifestyle? For example, I will always notice florals in every tv show and/or movie I watch. And now I will always notice people’s hair. 

Sometimes I catch myself staring at a complete stranger’s head of hair for probably an uncomfortable amount of time. Honestly, I won’t even know how long I’ve been staring sometimes when I catch myself. (Side note: brief apology to anyone I maybe made uncomfortable by staring. P.S. you have great hair). 

But there’s always something enticing about what you don’t have. What is it about us humans that always desire what we do not have? It’s an odd sort of fixation. And from first hand experience, I can ardently say it’s detrimental to our health. And instead of being able to find gratitude for what I do have, it strips me of my happiness.

THAT. Happiness. It’s been a struggle for me lately. I’ve found that when happiness and gratitude aren’t a part of my day, jealousy sets in. And jealousy never did anything beneficial for anyone. 

Let’s be real. Jealousy sets in when I feel like I lack in a certain area. It’s really not about the other person at all. It’s about me not having that thing (whatever it may be) that they do. It’s about me being self-conscious and doubting what I have to offer.  And so I need to check myself every time I lust after someone else’s hair. Because if I didn’t check myself, I would be stuck sitting in this place of self-doubt and dislike.

March

The Tub

A large reason for creating all of this, was for other women who are suffering from hair loss to know that I am here. I get it. I have experienced it too. That, however, doesn’t mean it is exactly the same for everyone. I’m sure certain aspects are harder than others depending on the person. For me personally, taking a shower is one of the shittiest, hardest moments and I wish I could avoid washing my hair like the plague.

That probably sounds funny to you reading who do not suffer from hair loss. I remember taking a shower was a time to decompress after a long day. A time to relax before falling into the nighttime routines. Or maybe it’s about feeling refreshed, prepping oneself for the day. I still have brief moments of these so I haven’t completely forgotten. I can still remember the relaxation and even comfort of it all.

But working up to the shower is an ordeal now. I usually have to prep myself before going in; convincing myself that even though I am about to lose a lot of hair, that that is okay. I do this thing where I completely avoid wetting my hair until the end because the feeling of water rushing down from the top makes every part of my body tense. I know that is when I will feel it all. I will feel the loose hair fall down my legs and the fear of losing even more is ever so present. There have been moments where I have lost clumps so thick and obtrusive that the rushing water feels like nothing in comparison. And so each time I enter the shower, the awareness and the possibility of feeling yet another clump encroaches on me. It makes me breathe uneasily. It makes me tighten every muscle. It is essentially everything that is opposite of relaxing and decompressing. That which was once so peaceful now makes me tighten my shoulders in hopes that nothing drastic will happen this time around.

April

Tried and Tested

I have moments where I believe I could’ve changed my outcome. Where I look back on my younger years and wish I would’ve done more preventative measures. I blame myself for not starting earlier. I blame myself for not paying more attention or being aware of how many various aspects go into hair loss. Because, then maybe, I wouldn’t be where I am today. 

Or I get angry that there wasn’t someone telling me all the things I was doing wrong. Throughout this year, I’ve learned more about hormones and thyroids and the chemicals put into hair products than I ever thought I would need to know. I’ve learned just how much birth control can potentially negatively affect you. I’ve learned how most thyroid tests taken by the typical doctor don’t actually check the proper issues and therefore constantly misinform those taking said tests. And though I’ve been fortunate to see certain doctors, I don’t have a full diagnosis to give you beyond my gut intuition. 

But, regardless of how many doctors or people you may get to talk to, I have found the most important aspect to acknowledge is that, like many other illnesses, you are not responsible. And it is not your fault. 

And so I’ve been learning to stop blaming myself. And to accept it as my reality and simply stand in the fact that I have hair loss. 

2020 has thrown us all so many curveballs, one of those being our ability to complete this series. If you are in a place where you are able and wish to give you can do so through our fiscal sponsors, Dance Resource Center. Link below.

Thank you.